rain

i've had this poem for quite a while but failed to share it with you. i always made sure that all my works be shared as soon as i finish making them and i deeply apologize for the delay. hope you'll forgive me on my shortcoming.

it sliced through the air
as it tears through the heart
brings forth the memories
of sudden depart
and flows like a river
like tears on a face
trying hard to fill
the heart's dry and empty space.

the beat of drums
in the rhythm of sadness
and heaps of light
forcing through the clouds darkness
barely illuminating
a wretched soul
picking up the pieces
of a self once whole.

it travels through rain;
words of undying love
bridging the earth below
and heaven's above.

the nature of humyns

i wandered through the heavens
in search of redemption
into the vast skylight, in flight
deep into a soulful expedition,
i'm lost.

deep in the darkness of seeming halt,
in uncertain passages
of lightless alleys
of open creeks and chasmic faults,
i venture.

in the vastness of radiance
of joyous incantations in the rhythm so holy
of endless longing to be one
with the entity,
my host.

in every corner of consciousness
of thoughts and wisdom of ages past
through the shadows of history,
of cycles to last,
our nature.

on religion...

i was (& still am) at the 'foreplay stage' of reading a book Dialogues: At One Inch Above the Ground by James W. Heisig when i feel the urge to write about religion & spirituality, subjects which i am very much enthusiastic to discuss & debate upon especially with my mom (which by the way i just had an argument with her a few moments before writing this).

i was born & raised as a catholic, groomed to follow a heritage of priests in the family. in fact, when i graduated from high school i was awarded acolyte of the year & was headed for the seminary for college. apparently, priesthood wasn't my vocation, nor was becoming a catholic for the rest of my life.

when i entered the university, let's say i was 'enlightened' & thus my search for spiritual growth began.

sophomore year, the period when a lot of things happened in my life. my son was born, i stopped doing drugs (for a while), & i stopped going to church, even doing the sign of the cross. it was a dynamic year of internal psycho-emotional flux.

i begin to question faith, religion, & the entire institution we thrive in. i became interested in other religions in order to satisfy my longing for the idea they call GOD. the only good thing about the constant flux of opposing ideas raging in my thoughts is that never in my entire existence i lost my belief in the Supreme Consciousness.

there came a time when i wanted to convert into Islam but eventually became discouraged because of the fact that the teachings in Qur'an are contradictory to each other (same is true with the Christian Bible). & one very interesting point to be noted in the passages in Qur'an is the fact that it justifies the use of force towards non-believers,& the minority role of women in the society.

with the frustration i've encountered with Islam i came back to the aid of catholicism, but again it failed me. the dark history of the church i.e. crusades & inquisition, vatican scandals scarred it badly that no matter how i try to paint it out of the picture the stains will always be there. i cannot lie to myself.

for months i became a drifter, a wanderer in the endless desert of emptiness. i browsed from one book after another in the hopes of finding a religion that would satisfy me. i went thought the core teachings of each & every religions of east & west e.g. Judaism, Hinduism, Buddhism, Taoism, the Eastern Orthodox Church, & other sects of Christianity, only to come up with a concrete conclusion: every one of them believe in the existence of GOD.

therefore i said to myself, why am i in constant search for a religion to follow when they all believe in the same thing? dogmas & doctrines are nothing but practices that distinguish one from the other, same as the name they call GOD.

although my spiritual life is far from maturity, being vegetarian & following tantra yoga practices is a head start for my spiritual revolution.i remain confident that i have made the right choice not to follow a certain belief system, & continue my journey to self-realization alongside with doing service to humanity.

i really find it funny watching tv evangelists mudslinging, throwing curses against each other in order to prove whose religion is true & whose is false. i also find it annoying when people try to persuade me to become a follower of their faith using dogma as a tool for preaching. and i really hate it when people discriminate others on religious grounds (i must say my mom is guilty of that when she reprimands me on my spiritual practice).

therefore i ask myself, why am i in constant search for a religion to follow, when every one of them believes in one thing? why must i practice a specific religion when i can follow the basic teaching of charity, compassion, & love without dogmas & doctrines?

instead of becoming a unifying force, religion caused (& is still causing) conflicts & the division of humanity.

wouldn't it be wonderful to live in a world where everyone can practice his or her chosen path towards righteousness?

imagine.

dream catcher

entangled thread and twisted coil
vision of chaos and turmoil
endless circumnavigation;
journey of mystification.

puzzle to ensnare sensations
webbed prayer constantly binding
reality from illusions;
whispers in flight softly passing.

seek, liberate, love

to liberate the world, one has to liberate oneself.

break free from inhibitions, dig to the core of your anima, set your soul in a conflagration of desires.

love someone, for the state fears those who love. for love is a weapon far destructive than any bomb in the world's arsenal.

run, lose yourself. turn away from the norms that became the chasm of love and lover. if you are a woman who loves a woman, or a man who loves a man, or a being who loves both, or someone who loves someone, among others, follow the cry of your heart.

love not because of security and stability, but because of the enigma it brings you the moment you find someone who takes your breath away.

the world is cruel, yet it's sweet. it is a concoction of feelings, desires, heartaches, bitterness, suffering, bliss, et cetera, et cetara.

bring down the walls of injustice, the barriers that confine you from illicit longings. be insane!

be weird, if it means being free from the dictates of rottenness.

confront oppression as you confront death; passionately.

seek yourself, the sacrosanct of your existence.

not a story for a lovely morning

i really don't know what to write about, i just feel like pushing my pen down. i haven't had enough night time sleep the past few days, close to living up to the definition of hominus nocturnus in vampiric tales. but in reality, i'm far from immortality.

i woke up at around 5:00am, thanks to my nagging mother uttering endlessly towards my father. i'm used to her echoing ballad of curses and sermons but not during the wee hours where i'm still struggling to slumber. it really couldn't get better than this.

one thing i really don't like in a woman is a nagging breathhole. haha don't get me wrong here. i love my mother, i even slept beside her the other night because my baby sister's using my room's 'borrowed' pc to finish her research paper (which gave me a hell of a headache to edit and edit and edit). however, if i am to commit, i'd choose someone who doesn't talk like an automatic rifle is stuffed in her mouth firing at 3000 rounds a minute. haha

i rouse myself from my odor-stricken mat and made my way to the fridge, hoping to grab myself a bottle of beer only to find a pitcher of water and a bunch of eggs (not a pretty site for a thirsty fellow). i gulped a couple of glass, head for the john and relieved myself of a deceitful morning glory (hey, i only took a piss and did not do the 'm' word).

as i made my way back to my room, i barely noticed the ceasefire. i was again relieved by the silence of the atmosphere and tucked myself, trying hard again to journey into slumberland.

and then again, a grenade was lunched, followed by a thunderous scream from my mother's bazoo. a maraud of words of unwisdom echoed through the walls, and my journey was cut short.

when is this going to end!?

Anathema!

I am on the brink of self-termination, all because it seems my life is heading nowhere, a dead-end, a mess. Every night before I retire myself to the state of unconsciousness, I pray that I won’t make it in the morning. I pop a dozen of valium pills to expedite my expiration but I guess my body’s too immune to give in. Probably I’ll utilize cyanide next time.

I lie in my odor-filled chamber reading novels, trying to be productive in my imagining. And in the past months I have read quite a number, which I used to think was very a impossible ‘achievement’ for a fellow of very narrow attention span as myself. And when I ran out of books to burn in my thoughts, I resort to browsing over an ancient Webster and a pocket thesaurus enriching my poverty-stricken vocabulary. In my hunger for words I wrote poetry when boredom strikes. And so I dubbed my poetry, if you consider them as such, ‘products of unproductiveness’, and proclaimed myself a poet in hybernation.

I admit to myself that I am cursed, if not a curse itself, and that in the course of my existence I have made flaws that altered my life beyond regret. If only I could turn back time, a cliché for those who are frustrated, but it runs through my thoughts endlessly.

My former self has become a stranger even to me. It seems like eons since I genuinely felt bliss, and no amount of ice cream or pizza, two of my few vanities if I may put it, can bring me back to my childish nature.

Childish, yes you read it right. I was carefree, like a child in the rain or a bird in flight. I care for nothing except getting my candy to lick. I still play in the rain though, only to cry and pour my sadness out of my system hoping the water will wash it away. At the same time wishing the rain will bridge my longing to whoever listens to the cries of my wretched anima.

Anathema! I am forsaken!